wow Carol from
Carol's Storybook blogged this on Jan 14th
and i fail to compose anything close to this good (due to my lack in getting ideas to flow smoothly from head to keypad with commas and full stops and correct grammer all in the right place to make for easy reading)
anyway She says what i think amazingly
so i hope she doesn't mind me re-posting it on my blog (thanks Carol)
Friday, January 14, 2005
What has brought me out of hibernation?Rumors of Ferberizing … you know,
Ezzo-style,
cry-it-out sleep training … I actually wrote most of these notes (following the Liedloff quotes) a few weeks ago, but in order to stop worrying about other people’s babies, and get some sleep,
I am posting it now.
Pregnancy is a preparing time for the mother that often includes lots of sleepless nights. During pregnancy, the mother anticipates the joy and wonder of having her very own baby to hold and care for. When the newborn arrives, she may find it difficult to adjust to her life-changing responsibilities. It is more demanding and difficult than she expected. She recalls being told how quickly those first weeks and months go by, but right now, she just wants the baby to sleep - alone. She read that babies should learn to sleep alone, and that it is important for them to eat and sleep according to a schedule.
The following are quotes from pages 60-64 of
The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff.
"[This] mother is one who, after much thought, has decided to allow [her baby] access to her breast. For a few minutes a day, his longing is suspended and his terrible skin-crawling need to be touched, to be held and moved about, is relieved. She loves him with a tenderness she has never known before. At first, it is hard for her to put him down after his feeding, especially because he cries so desperately when she does. But she is convinced that she must, for her mother has told her (and she must know) that if she gives in to him now he will be spoiled and cause trouble later. She wants to do everything right; she feels for a moment that the little life she holds in her arms is more important than anything else on earth."She sighs, and puts him gently in his crib, which is decorated with yellow ducklings and matches his whole room… She bends to kiss the infant’s silky cheek and moves toward the door as the first agonized shriek shakes his body."Softly, she closes the door.
She has declared war on him. Her will must prevail over his. Through the door she hears what sounds like someone being tortured… Nature does not make clear signals that someone is being tortured unless it is the case. It is precisely as serious as it sounds."She hesitates, her heart pulled toward him, but resists and goes on her way. He has just been changed and fed. She is sure he does not really need anything, therefore, and she lets him weep until he [falls asleep] exhausted..."He awakens in a mindless terror of the silence, the motionlessness. He screams. He is afire from head to foot with want, with desire, with intolerable impatience.
He gasps for breath and screams until his chest aches, until his throat is sore.
He can bear the pain no more and his sobs weaken and subside. He listens. He opens and closes his fists. He rolls his head from side to side. Nothing helps. It is unbearable. He begins to cry again, but it is too much for his strained throat; he soon stops. He stiffens his desire-racked body and there is a shadow of relief. He waves his hands and kicks his feet. He stops, able to suffer, unable to think, unable to hope. He listens.
Then he falls asleep again..."He awakens and cries again. His mother looks in at the door to ascertain that he is in place; softly, so as not to awaken in him any false hope of attention, she shuts the door again. She hurries to the kitchen, where she is working, and leaves that door open so that she can hear the baby, in case "anything happens to him." "The infant's screams fade to quavering wails. As no response is forthcoming, the motive power of the signal loses itself in the confusion of barren emptiness where the relief ought, long since, to have arrived. He looks about. There is a wall beyond the bars of the crib. The light is dim. He cannot turn himself over. He sees only the bars, immobile, and the wall. He hears meaningless sounds in a distant world. There is no sound near him. He looks at the wall until his eyes close." Pages 60-64
The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff
During Lincoln's first few months, he has been utterly helpless and totally dependent. He obviously cannot talk or walk or feed or clean himself. He is completely incapable of meeting his own needs, but he has been given two gifts that greatly increase the likelihood that his needs will be met. The first thing is his adorable baby-ness. A baby's physical appearance, including a darling face, big eyes, precious lips, kissable cheeks, and a soft little body work to make his mother desire to hold him in her arms. The second thing is his voice. Ranging from coos and grunts to cries and screams, a baby's voice triggers a reaction in his mother to act on his behalf. The mother can choose to respond or she can learn to ignore this urge to tend to him.
Some religious people suggest it is wrong for the mother to "cater to her infant's whims". They believe it is the infant’s sinful nature that is trying to control and manipulate his parents. Thus, "feeding-on-demand" and not sleeping alone would be cautioned against as being too child-centered.
"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." Isaiah 66:13a NIV
Hmmm...~ But only after she gets a good 4-hour stretch of sleep.
~ But only if baby sticks to the expected schedule.
~ But only after he stays in the crib for a long enough nap.
~ But only when mother decides baby should be hungry.
~ But only after mother gets something done.
~ But not when baby has fussed all day and mother has had enough.
In my point of view, I see normal infant needy behavior, not as a sign of sin in the infant, but rather as a means to prevent the sin of the mother. I have been given four high-need babies, although each child is much less needy than the last.
I believe God knew I would get so preoccupied with other things - even so-called important things - that left to my own nature, I would not give my babies the high level of nurturing that would help them develop to their fullest potential - physically, emotionally, mentally, and intellectually.
Even after four children, I still feel sadly lacking in my role as a mother. My selfish, sinful nature desires to neglect my children to do other things. I would get more done if I put my baby down and didn't wear him in the sling. I want the older children to go play. I’d rather go to bed early and sleep in late. I know what it's like to feel completely rest-deprived. I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for ten years and an extremely
fussy firstborn.
But when I am stressed to the limit trying to cope with a fussy baby, all of a sudden, he is asleep in my arms. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.
If my baby was to be taken from me, would I be proud of myself for having left him to cry himself to sleep? Or will I be thankful I rocked him, and held him, and tried to help him feel secure in this world.
My other children would be greatly disturbed and bewildered if we put Lincoln in another room to cry. What would they learn from such an experience? Rather, I want them to learn empathy, compassion, how to nurture, how to comfort, and selflessness. A job well done is rewarding and satisfying. It gives you a feeling of accomplishment and relief. After struggling to calm a fussy baby, what could be better than feeling him finally relax in your arms and drift off to sleep (even if it only lasts 20 minutes)? On the other hand, standing outside your baby’s door, listening to his desperate pleas for comfort makes a mother feel terrible, both emotionally, and even physically. It is a self-imposed helplessness that results in discomfort and guilt feelings even though her mind is trying to convince her it is the right thing to do.
I want to mention something that may be nutritionally lacking in mothers who resort to Ferberizing for reasons other than religious. I am thankful for my
health supplements that balance my hormones and stress levels, and keep me free from postpartum depression and related problems that are common among new mothers.
The following are my personal observations of
sharing sleep with my baby.
~ I like to listen to those soft little coos in his sleep.
~ I like to watch him sleep.
~ I like to reach out and pat his back.
~ It is so touching to catch those little sleep smiles, and he sometimes even chuckles out loud in his sleep.
~ I feel secure when I hear his quiet steady breathing, and contented sighs.
~ I know he is safe.
~ However unlikely, I never fear having to go get him if there is a fire or emergency.
~ I like to cover up his little shoulders.
~ I like to be certain he is warm during our Canadian winter nights.
~ I am there to help him regulate his body temperature.
~ I am able to unconsciously teach him to sleep with my body rhythms.
~ If he starts to stir, I can sometimes comfort him back to a deep sleep.
~ Feeding baby couldn't be easier or more convenient.
~ I am there to massage his tummy to relieve that uncomfortable feeling.
~ I am able to prevent him from completely waking up when his tummy feels empty, thus making it easier to get him back to sleep after nursing.
~ I never have to try to lower him down into a cold crib, desperately hoping not to awaken him.
~ Sometimes I am there just to help him find his thumb which he loves.
~ I get more sleep.
~ Sleep sharing extends postpartum infertility.
Both night and day, I nurse my baby when he needs me. For example, he may fall asleep when we go to bed around 10. Perhaps he will sleep for two, three, or maybe four hours. I nurse him in bed, and cuddle him to lie down beside me. In total, he usually gets only that one 4-hour stretch of sleep, then a 2-hour, and usually only a couple 1-hour sleep times between feedings. I rarely have a nap during the day, although Lincoln often sleeps in the sling, has rocking chair nursing naps, and sometimes I can lay him down alone for an hour or two in the afternoon. If I do lay him down, and leave him napping, and I hear him start to cry, I quickly go to pick him up. I am always amazed to see him instantly stop crying upon being held in my arms. It is utter relief to him, and so rewarding and satisfying to my mother heart to know I have been created to meet my baby's needs.
Carol's Blog has often been a blessing to me, She is a AP mother of 4 of Christianity, Reformed Presbyterian faith, in Canada
Her
blog
Her
Parenting Diecisions. com
other new exciting links
keelthepot
Reflections on homekeeping, minding children, the Reformed faith, limited government, midwifery, making milk, and the world at large.
Baby Care controversy -ezzo
